The finale to my silly mock story: After infuriating Nick Fury to the point he kicks Spider-Man off the helicarrier, Captain America steps in to mediate. And being Captain America, he knows how to say all the right things. Of course, being Spider-Man, Parker can't take a compliment without making a joke. Or ten.
Captain America: "We need to talk."
Spider-Man: "It's remarkable how similar this feels like being sent to the principal's office."
Cap: "Fury went apoplectic after Hill got you off the carrier."
Spider-Man: "This is me feigning surprise. You can't see because I'm wearing a mask."
Cap: "You know why he went berserk?"
Spider-Man: "Because I said 'what' one too many times?"
Cap: "You have the potential to be as smart as Stark or Banner."
Spider-Man: "Don't let Tony hear you say that."
Cap: "You understand the consequences of your actions better than Thor."
Spider-Man: "Now you're just buttering me up."
Cap: "You have powers people like Romanoff or Barton would kill for."
Spider-Man: "Who's Romanoff?"
Spider-Man: "She's Russian? I thought she was from the Upper East Side!"
Cap: "Now I know why everyone tells you to stop talking all the time."
Spider-Man: "It took you this long? You're way more tolerant than everyone else."
Cap: "Parker, you're faster, stronger, and have greater potential than I ever have or will. You know why Fury got mad at you? Because you could be the best of us. If you'd just shut your mouth and take yourself seriously for a change."
Spider-Man: "... you should know I'm neither capable of handling praise nor nor compliments. I'm really uncomfortable right now and I feel a little verkelmpt."
Cap: "So I'm asking you. Take yourself a little more seriously."
Spider-Man: "I'm legitimately blushing right now."
Cap: "And seriously. Do not make Natasha angry again."
Spider-Man: "Black Widow? You're seriously warning me about annoying Widow over the Hulk right now?"
Cap: "The Hulk tends to have a short memory. Romanoff keeps a ledger. Never anger someone who keeps a ledger."
Spider-Man: "Noted. In my ledger. And by ledger I mean in the notes on my iPhone."
Matthew Phillion is the writer of "The Indestructibles," part-time actor, occasional filmmaker. Currently on the lam in Salem with his trusty dog, Watson.